Strange Jerk in a Strange Hand
Disclaimer: If Mary Poppins got knocked up during an impromptu lunchtime dark rite in the men's room at Lowe's by The Horned God in the earthly disguise of Mike Brady, and their spawn was switched with the baby of perfectly nice Christian people who thought they'd get grandchildren someday, that practically-perfect-except-for-the-demon-spawn-part changeling would be Studdio.
Studdio's a diabetic coma of sweetness, light and unconditional lurve. He shits fucking rainbows. He bought into all that kumbaya shit at Summer camp, when he wasn't fantasizing about his counselor's hairy ass bouncing into the Valhalla of the group shower. He tries to show courtesy to the anonymous and unaccountable internet users to whom such a thing would never occur, not out of magnanimity, but because he considers most people to be less fortunate than himself; he is habitually honest, not out of virtue, but because he's killed too many brain cells to remember any lies he might make up. He will allow almost anyone to take advantage of him, not out of generosity, but to determine who to cut off.
Studdio's husband likes to call him a "Dirty Whore." It gives him a boner. Studdio likes to call himself a "fag." This gives HIM a boner. To make matters worse, Studdio was accidentally impressed with a perverse Jesus/Hot Pastor fetish around the vacation bible school years, when turning the other cheek also turned out to give him a boner. It's all about the boner. You either get it or you don't.
Studdio is genuinely bewildered by how easy it is to offend people with amateur porn, as if they came expecting Oprah's book club. He is sorry if he offends you, (although what he regrets is not so much your offended state as the fact that anyone with the hypocrisy to act offended about anything they see on an amateur porn site isn't seeking therapy rather than posting flames directed at someone as nice as Studdio,) unless, of course, he was actually going for that; chances are he wasn't, though, and sometimes he's just a fucking moron. Hope at least one of us is smart enough to know which of these is true in your case.
Sex with Others
Leading my Flocks to Enlightenment (see previous.)
Stranger in a Strange Land / Robert Heinlein
The Erotic Traveler / Sir Richard Burton
On the Road / Bob Kerouac
A Hundred Years of Solitude / Gabriel Garcia Marquez
About my Partner
My ideal partner for life is the one I have. My ideal partner for fun is the next one.
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